I was trying to order something online. I was shocked by what it told me and so I took a cell phone picture of it so you’d know I hadn’t photoshopped this:

20160628_161741 (640x384)

Full disclosure: I am not a horribly patient person. I can’t stand movie trailers for movies that aren’t coming out within 3 months.  “Release Date: This Christmas” might as well be never as far as I’m concerned.

But I think even a patient person would feel that waiting for a shipment until 2070 is a bit excessive. If my math is correct, I will be approximately 20 years old by then.

No, that doesn’t sound right.  200 years old.  That’s probably it.

I don’t have any children, so who’s going to pick up my package if I’m not able to due to having died 100 years earlier?

I guess I could put a clause in my will. Something like:

“I hereby leave my massive blogging fortune to whoever will pick up my package and stay with it for one full night in my mansion. The mansion isn’t haunted, but if you let your guard down, my dog will lick the inside of your nose. Also, the package is haunted.”

That’s assuming I can even make a legal will. I’m pretty sure if I were to state in my will that I was “of sound mind and body”, that would break the laws against false advertising. My will would have to say, “I, being of strange mind and with a malfunctioning liver and periodic sinus problems, do hereby solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and you can’t handle the truth, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, no purchase necessary, odds of winning one in allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Sincerely, Amen.”

Okay, so I have no idea what comes after the “sound mind and body” line they always use in movies. I’ve never been to a real will reading. No one ever leaves me stuff. I’m not very popular with dead people, apparently.

I’ve also never been a bridesmaid. I’m not very popular with the living, either. Just like that saying, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Never a bridesmaid, always a blogger.” I think my friends are afraid I will do something crazy, like throw waffles at the bride while she’s making her vows. That could be because whenever my friends refer to bridesmaids, I say, “You mean the people who get to throw waffles at the bride while she’s making her vows?”

I’ve also never been paid to give a speech.

Well, that’s not strictly true. Once I was working for a theater and they asked me to give a short speech to a packed house. I didn’t get to chose the topic, but I got to write the words. I was a little nervous, but confident in my ability to convey the information.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” I began. “Will the owner of the blue pickup parked in the loading zone please move their car? Thank you.”

It was well received, but I was never invited back to give a follow-up.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wait for my package for the next 54 years.

Advertisements