Remember the depressed kids in high school? Often called emos or goths, they could often be found bouncing around in skimpy outfits on the sidelines during sporting events.

No, wait. I’m thinking of the chess club.

The goths dressed all in black, absolutely never smiled, spent all day writing poetry about death, and radiated sadness.

Did you ever wonder what happened to those people?

The good news is that they grew up to get jobs. The bad news is they all got jobs as Olympic interviewers.

Sure the TV networks dress them in bright colors are require them to smile, but once the interviewer starts talking, you discover that you can take the goth out of the darkness, but can’t take the darkness out of the goth. That’s why all the interviews of the Olympians go something like this:

Interviewer: Steve, you’re one of the most beloved athletes of all time, and the whole world was cheering you on just now as you won a gold medal and set a new Olympic record, just two seconds shy of setting a new world record. How do you come back from a loss like that?

Steve: Excuse me?

Interviewer: You failed to set a world record while the whole world watched. How humiliated are you feeling right now?

Steve: Uh, actually I’m quite proud of winning the gold and setting an Olympic record.

Interviewer: It’s noble for you to put on a brave face for the cameras, but tell me honestly, how do you think you’ll try to self-medicate the crippling depression caused by this devastating loss?

Steve: Actually, me and the silver and bronze medalists were talking about going to Disneyland.

Interviewer: To buy drugs?

Steve: No, to ride the Matterhorn.

Interviewer: There you have it, America. Words of defeat from a crushed man. Make sure to tune in tomorrow for our special report “Utter Failure: The Tragic Tale of the Rise and Fall of the Once Great Athlete Steve.” We’ll examine what went wrong and find out where he is now.

Steve: I’m right here! I’m about to be awarded the biggest award in my sport!

Interviewer: (shaking her head sadly) Such a wasted life. Now we go to Bob, who’s in the studio with Cheryl who just ruined her life by winning a worthless silver medal.

While it was a strange choice for the networks to hire all these goths, it’s a good thing that the goths didn’t end up with other jobs. For example:

Fast-food Worker: “And you wanted fries with that? A tragic mistake that will surely haunt you the rest of your career.”

Midwife: “It’s a girl! After 9 months of preparation and lots of labor pains, how disappointed are you that it’s not a boy? Oh, wait. It looks like there’s another one coming out here. And it looks like, yes, this one is a boy. How devastated are you that this one is a boy?”

Puppy trainer: “Sit! (Puppy lies down) When you see such a huge mistake like that, even by such a young pup, you have to wonder if it was a mistake even sending them here.”

Pastor: I’m sure we all feel the tragedy of this day with you as I now pronounce you man and wife. You might as well kiss your bride.”

Party clown: “I’m here with the birthday girl, Suzie. Suzie, you’re turning six years old today. That must make you ask how much life do you really have left in you? Well past your prime already, do all the people here celebrating your life make you look back on your past failures and ask if it was all worth it?”

Concierge: “Well, there are rooms available, but only on the 2nd and 3rd floors. If you don’t even have a chance of getting a rook on the 1st floor, why would you even want to waste your time here?”

Therapist: “I wonder what’s going on in your head right now and if you’re asking yourself where it all went wrong?”

Taxi Driver: “After an all around discouraging week, where do you plan to go from here?”

Weather Forecaster: “You can try and mentally brace yourself, but you can never fully prepare yourself for this kind of disappointment and heartbreak. And that’s the 7 day forecast.”

Cat: “An unsatisfying end to a very disappointing day. There just wasn’t one thing about this day that went like it should have. You really expect so much more out of people at this level and to see this sort of end result is just an embarrassment.”

On second thought, that last one could work out quite well.

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