I have the flu.
All of it.
Every flu germ ever in existence thus far is currently residing in my body. Flu germs that have long since retired have rejoined the workforce just to make me miserable.
This is particularly weird because I never get sick. I’m always either healthy or in a state of denial. Continue reading “Ladies and Germs”
After a great deal of study I’ve found that social interactions are only awkward when there’s more than one person involved. The conversations I have by myself are never awkward. Not even during the long pauses, staring into my own eyes (which is hard to do when you have a nose).
But when you get more than just you involved, that’s when it starts to get uncomfortable. That’s because other people always ask the unpleasant, overly-personal questions the voices in your head would never ask. Like “What have you been up to lately?” or “Do you have any hobbies?” or “Do you know why I pulled you over?” Continue reading “Secret Agent Ma’am”
I don’t eat yogurt.
I know what you’re thinking: “Is she seriously going to spend a whole blog post talking about dairy products she doesn’t eat?”
To that I would have to say please try to contain your excitement or you’ll hyperventilate before the end of this article. Continue reading “The Controversy of Yogurt”
There are some villains who’s evilness can’t be overstated: Hitler, Stalin, your friends who dare to hold different political beliefs than you in an election year.
Then there are the villains who’s evilness has really been understated. The fruits of their maniacal deeds continue to be pervasive in our lives and yet we hardly take the time to despise them with the despisedness they deserve, despisedly. Continue reading “Underrated Villains”
You know that old saying, “You can lead a reindeer to Norway, but you can’t keep Zeus, god of lightening, from striking it down”?
Well you should, because it’s very important.
Imagine you were hanging out on social media and saw an ad for cheap airfare to Norway and you thought to yourself, “Gee, my reindeer has never been to Norway. I bet he’d love it there.” Continue reading “The 300: Reindeer Version”
I tried to tell you people that if you paid attention to me, it would only encourage me. Now here we are at my 100th blog post.
I hope you’re happy.
In honor of my 100th post, I thought I would share 100 thoughts that I have about stuff.
Then I remembered that I have a life (sometimes). So that list got shortened to 50. But if you read it twice, the math adds up. Continue reading “100th Post”
Remember the depressed kids in high school? Often called emos or goths, they could often be found bouncing around in skimpy outfits on the sidelines during sporting events.
No, wait. I’m thinking of the chess club.
The goths dressed all in black, absolutely never smiled, spent all day writing poetry about death, and radiated sadness.
Did you ever wonder what happened to those people? Continue reading “Finding the Cloud Behind the Silver Lining”
You, unlike me, may have noticed my absence last week. It may have caused you to feel depressed, demoted, detangled, decaffeinated or even defenestrated.
What I’m trying to say is that you are kind of a wuss.
But I have a good reason for taking a week off my blog. I’ve mentioned that I was stage managing a play and horribly sleep deprived.
That was an obvious lie. Continue reading “Things That Go Bump in the Water”
The Olympics started recently. I can’t tell you exactly when because I have been stage managing a play and only just now was able to finish my escape-tunnel out of the theater for a quick break.
While I wait for them to find me and drag me back to the theater, I’m watching Olympic highlights. Continue reading “Olympics”
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