Dear Snakes,
How are you? I am fine.
Now down to business. This is a cease and desist letter.
I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but you leave me no other choice.
I yet again must insist that you stop being snakes. I understand that snakes have made great strides in the fields of mice eating and horror movie atmosphere. But that does not excuse your obvious blood-thirsty nature. Continue reading “Dear Snakes”
Everyone loves the X-Men, right? You wouldn’t really fear mutants if they were real, right? They could feel safe revealing their powers on, say, their hilarious blog, right? And you wouldn’t shoot them with poisonous darts or send Peter Dinklage after them, right?
I’m asking for a friend.
A friend with great hair.
And the world’s most adorable puppy. Continue reading “X-Men-ish”
Independence Day: it’s as American as apple pie, assuming that it is a gluten free, dairy free, nut free, soy free, free-range, fair trade, organic apple pie.
It’s as American as illegal fireworks.
It’s as American as great movies that have thrown-together sequels that don’t even try to be good because the producers know movie theaters don’t offer refunds. Continue reading “July 4th”
Interviewer: I have to tell you, we’ve interviewed a lot of very promising candidates so far. What makes you think you would make a good evil queen?
Me: Well, there’s my impatience with the frailties of humans. Humanity generally annoys me greatly. Also, I’m maniacal a lot. So far that’s just been a hobby, but I’ve often thought of trying to turn it into a career. Continue reading “The Interview”
I was trying to order something online. I was shocked by what it told me and so I took a cell phone picture of it so you’d know I hadn’t photoshopped this:
Full disclosure: I am not a horribly patient person. Continue reading “Wait For It…”
My sister may have caused the apocalypse. It’s too soon to say, but I wouldn’t be a blogger if I didn’t immediately jump to the least likely conclusion.
Here’s how were all going to die:
Vegetables.
People are always saying vegetables are bad for you, but it’s about to get much worse. Continue reading “Before the Post-Apocalypse”
You may have noticed the word “Brexit” popping up on your social media a lot lately. I know I have. Don’t ask me how I got onto your social media. Because I’ll tell you: I have really big binoculars. Continue reading “Brexit”
I guess the first thing to admit is that I bought a zester. I don’t even know who I am anymore. A month ago, if you’d told me to add some lemon zest, I’d have given you a lemon in a top hat.
Now I own and “operate” my very own purple zester.
But I have to say “operate” with finger quotes (demarcated here with some punctuatorial quotes) because it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye… Continue reading “When Cooking Utensils Attack”
This week, I had a dance performance.
I know what you’re thinking, “Oh no. She’s back to doing that weird ‘I know what you’re thinking’ bit again.”
Yes, I am awfully clumsy for a dancer. But wasn’t Luke awfully short for a stormtrooper? And that didn’t stop him being barely featured in the last Star Wars movie. I think you get my point. Continue reading “Dance Like No One Has Noticed You’ve Fallen Over”
Themeless Writing 
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