Despite her inability to form words, my puppy uses sounds, looks, and my rampant imagination to have entire conversations with me.
Here is one we had recently.
Puppy (distressed): My love can’t get to you!
Me: What?
Puppy: Something is blocking my love and keeping it from getting to you!
Me: It’s called a door and I will open it for you in a minute.
Puppy: Why do we even HAVE those? They block my love and my ability to chase the squirrels. Continue reading “Stuff My Dog Says”
(I have your attention now with a title like that, don’t I?)
(Also, do not start with me about octopi/octopuses. My blog is not an Accuratecracy. It is a Randomatorship!)
(Now that we’ve cleared that up, I’d like to move on to making even less sense.)
Everyone always wants to know where we writers get our ideas from. It’s very much like how everyone wants to know where Bill Gates keeps his shoebox of million-dollar bills. Continue reading “Cannibals and Octopi”
It seems my blog has quite an international following, with readers all over South America and Europe. For example, I have one faithful reader in Italy.
(I am assuming the frequent views I get in Italy are all one person.)
(I’m also assuming that person is the Pope.)
(You don’t know that it isn’t! The Pope needs to procrastinate sometimes, too!)
(So everybody watch your language.) Continue reading “International Interest”
Now that we’re past the horror that is Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start thinking ahead to the next important holiday: Christmas.
And of course you can’t have Christmas without Black Friday. At least not legally in most North American countries.
Black Friday was named after one of Britain’s famous dukes, Duke Steve “Black” Friday, who was known to shove people down when he saw a bargain. His memory is honored every year on the day after Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the day he died tragically trying to pull the last half-price TV from a brontosaurus. Continue reading “Black Friday”
I’d like to take a minute to seriously discuss the importance of Math.
Not right now.
But someday.
Wild animals are like celebrities: They’re fun to watch on TV, even cooler to see in person, but it’s cruel if you cage one up in your own home, even if you have a big backyard, and it won’t end well for you.
Best case scenario: you’ll get in trouble with the law when someone finds out you have them.
Worst case scenario: they eat you. George Clooney has the air of confidence of a man who has eaten a few people in his time. Continue reading “Into the Wild”
In a very special Sunday edition of my usual Monday post I am pleased to present:
As someone who doesn’t understand football, I feel it is my duty to explain the sport to those who know even less than I do.
In modern football, two teams of approximately fifty players each stand on the field. Each player has a different position. There’s a quaterback, a receiver, a halfback, a quarterafter, a fullback, a moneyback, a sexyback, a nickleback, and a blindside. None of the other positions have names, since their job is to just mill around the field until someone gets tackled and then jump on the pile to create an adequate dog-pile. Continue reading “An Incompetent Guide to Football”
They say getting on a regular schedule is good for you. Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning and eventually your body will get into the rhythm of it. Soon your brain will be waking you up at the same time without your alarm even going off.
What “they” don’t say is why that would be considered a good thing? Continue reading “Brains”
First of all, anyone who disputes the contents of that blurry photo of blurry aliens is part of the conspiracy and for your own safety, you shouldn’t trust them.
Now down to business. Then up to tacos. Then back down to jazzercize. But I digress (already, which is frankly a bad sign for the chances of coherency in this post).
I don’t want anyone to panic, but aliens exist and we should all panic. Continue reading “Aliens”
Themeless Writing 
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