Themeless Writing

Friends like to say to me, “Veronica, I loved that murder mystery on Mars you wrote, which I bought at THIS LINK.”

“Why are you talking like that?” I ask.

“Because SOMEBODY has to do some promotion for your book and you stink at it.”

“Fair enough.”

“Anyway,” they say. “I can’t wait to read the thrilling sequel. How’s that coming along?”

“Oh, alright I guess. HEY! LOOK OVER THERE!” Continue reading “Frist Drafts” →

People often ask me, “Veronica, did you conduct a hostile Paleo takeover of your household?”

To which I say, “No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owhy do you ask?”

“Because you’re throwing away all those frozen waffles.”

“That’s…because…I thought…they…were…part of the last recall.”

“Wasn’t that recall for frozen vegetables?”

“Yes. You know how tomatoes are secretly fruit? Turns out waffles are secretly a vegetable.” Continue reading “What DON’T I Not Eat?” →

Me (Talking to myself)(Don’t judge me): Yay, Veronica! You got your grocery shopping done for the whole week! Your fridge is full of meat to cook and your freezer is full of seafood and veggies.

Karma: Hi!

(Power goes out, including to my fridge/freezer)

Karma: Serves you right!

Me: What the heck, Karma? Why did you do that? Continue reading “Karma Stole My Power” →

I have a new life goal: I want to run for Coroner.

So.

Very.

Much.

Let me be clear here: I don’t want to actually BE coroner. Dead bodies are gross.

Live bodies are pretty gross for that matter.

I just want to run for the office of coroner. The running is the fun part! Continue reading “More Disturbing Than the Presidential Election” →

This was in my “Trending Topics” on Facebook recently:

First of all, I hope they ship the new glass iPhone to people pre-smashed to save time. Continue reading “Blog. James Blog.” →

Life is full of strange interactions. Particularly when I am involved.

And, yes, I am usually the stranger rather than the strangee.

I had the occasion to buy Passover cake recently. (This may be strange in itself because I am not Jewish. But this cake is gluten-free and chocolate-marble. So once a year, I watch The Ten Commandments and eat Passover cake.)

Since this cake is a seasonal item, I wasn’t sure where the store would have it. And that’s how this actual conversation actually happened: Continue reading “Strange Interactions” →

“Where do you see yourself in the next 5, 10, 20 years?”

You get asked that question a lot in life: job interviews, therapy appointments, parole hearings, etc.

To me, life seems too unpredictable to know what the heck I’ll be doing next week, let alone in several years.  But I’ve given it some thought and I think I’ve come up with a pretty solid, realistic answer.

Someday, probably not too far in the future, I’m going to snap and become an evil villain. Continue reading “Where I See Myself in Five Years” →

I had some good news recently. It turns out I’m basically immortal.

So make sure you follow my blog now because in a million years, it’s going to be famous as the longest running blog in history. Then you can say that you were a part of it back near the beginning.

You’ll be dead, of course. But that shouldn’t stop you. By then someone will have developed the technology for people who are technically dead to still be able to brag to the living. Continue reading “Walking to the Outskirts of Forever” →

You know those commercials for the dog food that’s all natural? You know the ones. They brag all about how their food is made with real stuff like blueberries. Apparently these people have gotten confused. I don’t think they own a real dog. I think they somehow ended up with a vegetarian for a pet. Because when my dog eats blueberries, I get them back again in the most unpleasant ways. Continue reading “Fit For a Dog” →