I’d like to take a minute to seriously discuss the importance of Math.
Not right now.
But someday.
Wild animals are like celebrities: They’re fun to watch on TV, even cooler to see in person, but it’s cruel if you cage one up in your own home, even if you have a big backyard, and it won’t end well for you.
Best case scenario: you’ll get in trouble with the law when someone finds out you have them.
Worst case scenario: they eat you. George Clooney has the air of confidence of a man who has eaten a few people in his time. Continue reading “Into the Wild”
They say getting on a regular schedule is good for you. Go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning and eventually your body will get into the rhythm of it. Soon your brain will be waking you up at the same time without your alarm even going off.
What “they” don’t say is why that would be considered a good thing? Continue reading “Brains”
First of all, anyone who disputes the contents of that blurry photo of blurry aliens is part of the conspiracy and for your own safety, you shouldn’t trust them.
Now down to business. Then up to tacos. Then back down to jazzercize. But I digress (already, which is frankly a bad sign for the chances of coherency in this post).
I don’t want anyone to panic, but aliens exist and we should all panic. Continue reading “Aliens”
I recently discovered that all youngest children are actually Communists. While I’m waiting for my Nobel Prize to arrive in the mail, I’ll elaborate.
This was not an easy bit of research to accomplish. First I had to infiltrate the world of the youngest children. I did this by purposefully being born last in my family. That gave me the sort of street cred one needs to work their way into the inner trust circle of youngest children. Continue reading “Which of Your Children Are Commies?”
Here’s a challenge: Say the word “human” in front of a candle.
If the flame didn’t go out or at least flicker, get in your car and go see a speech therapist right now for the sake of all the people who just want to punch you in the face every time they hear you say “Uman.” There’s an ‘h’ there for a reason. You can’t just not use the letter ‘h’ wenever your eart as te inclination. Continue reading “Only Uman”
You ever have those days when you’re listening to Pandora and after disliking about 5 songs in a row, you start to realize that Pandora and its music selecting algorithm may not be the problem? I’m having one of those days. Everything annoys me. Happy people are so obnoxious, throwing their smiles in your face. Angry people are so obnoxious, trying to drag the rest of us down with them. I wish everyone would just leave me alone and I wish there was someone around I could pick a fight with. The only person around is my dog, so I’m left trying to pick a fight with her, which is always futile: Continue reading “Angry Awards”
Facebook is always coming up with improvements. Like that time when they changed the newsfeed to be even more random.
I think Facebook could benefit from some clarity. So I would like to suggest a color-coding system. If Mark Zuckerberg wants to thank me by making me vice-billionaire, so be it. Continue reading “Facebook Color Coding”
I wish I could draw. Someday I would like to take drawing classes, although I don’t understand how those could possibly work.
First of all, how does drawing even work? Two people look at the same tree and draw it. The two pictures come out completely different: Continue reading “Drawing”
Themeless Writing 
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