Themeless Writing

People misuse the word “Fact” a lot.

And by “people”, I mean the internet.

And by “fact”, I mean “Michael Jackson comes out of hiding, admits to faking his own death, and throws support behind Trump, sources say.” Continue reading “Technically…” →

Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation. They’re important because some people are apparently one misplaced comma away from snapping.

And we, certainly, don’t want anything, like that, to, happen,,,,,

Which is why I’ve put together a short guide to grammar. I like to call it:

Grammar: It’s Not Spelled With an ‘E’ Anymore, or Possibly Ever Continue reading “Fewer Wronger Grammar” →

Welcome back to my guide on infomercializationingizing.

For those of you who didn’t read the first half, let me sum up:

It was awesome. Continue reading “How to Infomercial More” →

Warning: This post contains the singular “they”. If you can’t handle that, I’d suggest electro-shock therapy.

I’ve been reading up on how to have a successful blog and the thing that is most often repeated is that your blog should be informative.

Well, done and done. Did you read “Cannibals and Octopi”? And what about “Brains”? That one has a graph and everything! Continue reading “How to Infomercial” →

Currently in the Headlines: Lego Introduces Stay-at-Home Dad Figurine in New Collection.

That is an actual, real headline of an actual real event.  This brings up a lot of questions I never thought I’d have to ask.

First of all, I just had a nice long talk with all of my Legos and it turns out that none of my Lego figures has ever been gainfully employed. They just lay around the house all day long, never offering me a hand. I always have to be the one cleaning up THEIR mess, fixing THEIR broken roof, pulling THEM out of the vacuum. Never once have any of them returned the favor. Continue reading “Toy-Ployment” →

We, as a nation, have become obsessed with lists. Seems like everything you read these days comes in list form and with an overly enthusiastic title. We’ll know this fad has truly taken over when you go the grocery store and on the package of food it says “The 12 shocking Ingredients in These Cookies; #7 Will Make You Change Religions!” Continue reading “7 Ways to Do Something Or Other” →

I don’t like the direction science is going. Lately science has decided it is some sort of exclusive club and so it has begun booting “lesser” beings out left and right.

The Brontosaurus for example. Happy and a hard worker, the mighty brontosaurus delighted children the world over. But science, the crusher of dreams, broke the hearts of millions of children by declaring that the brontosaurus never existed, despite detailed picturegraphic evidence in millions of children’s books owned by one little boy alone. Continue reading “Standing Up to Science” →

It seems my blog has quite an international following, with readers all over South America and Europe. For example, I have one faithful reader in Italy.

(I am assuming the frequent views I get in Italy are all one person.)

(I’m also assuming that person is the Pope.)

(You don’t know that it isn’t! The Pope needs to procrastinate sometimes, too!)

(So everybody watch your language.) Continue reading “International Interest” →

Now that we’re past the horror that is Valentine’s Day, it’s time to start thinking ahead to the next important holiday: Christmas.

And of course you can’t have Christmas without Black Friday.  At least not legally in most North American countries.

Black Friday was named after one of Britain’s famous dukes, Duke Steve “Black” Friday, who was known to shove people down when he saw a bargain. His memory is honored every year on the day after Thanksgiving, the anniversary of the day he died tragically trying to pull the last half-price TV from a brontosaurus. Continue reading “Black Friday” →